Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
