Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
