I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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