My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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