I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
