dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
