I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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