i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
