Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
