Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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