My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
