sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
