is your mom at the bar?
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
