We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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