Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
