I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
