just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
