remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
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