Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
