I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
