you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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