life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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