One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
