I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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