so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
is it fun? or sober?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
