my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
