how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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