im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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