bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
