i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
