Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
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