i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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