Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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