I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
