Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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