So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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