omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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