I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
