I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
