Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
