I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
