im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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