I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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