Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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