I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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