im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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