I wish my penis had an off switch
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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