I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
