It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
