new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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