Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
